Ladies Ladies Ladies...let's talk

This is a blog I wrote in 2008 and has remained one of my favorites. God has given me such a tender heart for women and knowing their worth. This blog isn't for everyone, I realize that. I pray, if this is for you, that you will see how Beautiful you truly are.

We need to talk. Men, you're welcome to step in as well, but this is intended for my ladies.

We have a problem. A pretty big one. It seems that the majority of woman don't know their self-worth. Then we have those who say they know their worth but will trade it in so easily for a semi-good night with a not so good man. What happened to us? What happened to the pride we took in ourselves? Our body? Have we thrown respect for ourselves out the window? Why have we settled for less? A man that doesn't respect us? Really? A man that's clearly just trying to get in our pants, and we let them when what we really desire is commitment? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

The only conclusion I can come up with is that we don't know how valuable and special we are. Yes, we have our issues, our flaws, our mess-ups, but I am not talking about that. I am talking about what you see when you look in the mirror. There are too many woman who are just unhappy. They are miserable. Life has beaten the hell into them and they lost sight of how beautiful they are. They have chased man after man after man hoping that he's "The One" and in that pursuit it has altered their entire identity to become what they THINK that man desires. We become a little freakier for them so hopefully they'll love us more; trading in our moral values in hopes he'll wife us up. We buy him nice things hoping he'll thank us properly with a ring on our finger.  We bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways to get him to love and notice us all so we can feel beautiful. Give all that we are to the wrong guy hoping and wishing for the best...but deep down inside knowing the truth.

This has got to stop.

We are wasting away and just giving out all that we are to all the wrong men. I am not saying they're bad or horrible men, but what you're giving to them are pieces of you that belong to your husband oneday. You can never get these pieces back. Your feelings for them will always linger. Your heart will always skip a beat when you think you see him in a crowd. But he doesn't deserve that piece of you. Only one man does, not all the men you think that may be your husband.

Do you have standards? You don't have to answer this to me, but to yourself. If so, what are they? I'm not talking outer appearance or that he loves his mom. But what about qualities and traits you will have to live with for the rest of your life? Do you respect yourself? Honestly? Do you carry yourself like a lady? Some men don't respect us today because we don't respect ourselves. We have made it too easy for them to holla at us and get us in the bed without evening knowing our first name. We've made it so easy for them to get us, use us, throw us away, and leave us heartbroken and hating all men.

I'm tired of it. I am tired of seeing my beautiful ladies's lives revolve around a man that isn't for them. A man that beats on them. A man that talks down to them and treat them like dirt. A man that's taking advantage of them. A man that has no intention of making you his wife when that's what you want. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Has the lie of "there are no good men in the world" infiltrated our brains and left us brainwashed to settle for the shit of the litter? Excuse my language but come on! Ladies, we are worth more than that!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT! The point of having standards is not to have a flock of men flocking to you but to weed out the ones who won't treat you right. Standards are suppose to make the pickings slim. If a committed relationship is what you want, then you have to set some standards in your life because if not, it will carry over into your marriage. If you think your problems will get solved when you get married, HA! Honey, they get worse because now you're dealing with those problems ALL THE TIME and not just 25% of the time. You can get away from the lies, verbal abuse, cheating, manipulation, his lack of commitment when you go back to your seperate spaces, but you can't run away from that in your marriage. And lets just be honest, why go into marriage with divorce as an option? No one goes into marriage hoping for a divorce. This isn't like breaking up with your high school sweetheart. We have got to get it together ladies.

Now, yes, I can go on a tangent on the men. Oh believe me I could, but this isn't for them. This is for us. We need to wake up out of this delusional world of love and open our eyes. Let me lay out some hardcore truth. If he wants to be with you, he will be with you. It doesn't matter the distance or the inconveniences (no car, whatever) that stand in the way. If he wants you, you will know it!!! It's that simple. Stop waiting for him to turn you from his booty call to his wife. It most likely won't happen. You've allowed him to treat you like that, and only you can change that. If you don't know how he feels about you, um, ask him. Why play games? Worried about messing up the friendship? No you're not. Be honest. We all use that line: 'we don't want to mess up a friendship.' No. You don't want to loose him out of your life and you know if you let him know you want a relationship he'll run from you. But isn't that the best thing for you? Isn't he holding you up from the man that wants to be in a relationship with you? But instead you're wasting time with this guy trying to get him to fall in love with you.

Let me explain a lil' something about men. Men speak up if I am wrong. When they are ready to settle down they are ready to settle down. They have their eyes set on finding wifey. They're not looking for the woman who is begging and trying their hardest to get his attention. They're looking for that woman that completes them as a man. They're looking for that woman that they can take home to mom and raise a family with. Sure, you may be able to be that woman to him, but if you're on your knees all the time with a different man how can he see you? There are some amazing men out there looking for a wife but all they see are insecure woman breaking their back for the wrong men, so they keep on walking and keep on looking.

What are we doing with ourselves? Can you look in the mirror and know you are beautiful from the inside out? And if you can't, are you going to do something about it? Are you going to wait for a man to make you feel beautiful? Or are you going to pick yourself up off the floor and start carrying yourself with dignity and respect; start living a happy life even if you are single; and start believing in yourself again?

You are a beautiful child of a God that is in love with you. He wants the best for you. He has a great plan for you. He sees every tear you cry. He knows exactly how you feel. If you've given up on His plan, it's not too late. It's never too late. Don't be scared to seek his plan for your life. Of course it will change a lot of things but oh how perfect is the will of God. Your selfish and failed attempt to make yourself happy will always leave a void. Always. Stop running. Stop ignorning. Stop thinking you can out smart God. Accept his grace and his love and begin to see yourself the way He sees you.

I think you're beautiful. I think you are so beautiful and no matter what has happened to you or what you have been through, you are a queen and deserve to be treated so. You deserve love and respect. You deserve manners, happiness, and peace. The scars on your heart left over from life are beautiful because it's made you stronger. The pain and the hurt you've had to endure has not gone in vain, your reward will be great. But don't let that stop you from believing in yourself. Don't let that stop you from what you desire in your heart. No matter how you feel or what you're going through, wake up each day telling yourself you're beautiful.

Stressed trying to be blessed

Ever heard that saying "To blessed to be stressed"? I have. I have heard it a lot. Never said it. But I have heard it. Here's the thing, I am blessed. I am tremendously blessed compared to a lot of people, but that doesn't mean life is perfect. That doesn't mean life is easy. It definitely doesn't mean that I don't lack for anything. Ever been in a place where you know you're blessed but you have so many pressing life situations that cloud your view of all your blessings? If so, welcome to my life.

My name is Dana and I am worrybot (worry+robot=worrybot). Yes, I admit it. I think and sometimes overthink everything! This eventually leads to stress. Stressed with paying bills, getting the car fixed, piled up dishes, friendships, getting healthy, future plans, Gabby's bed time, what to cook for dinner, dirty laundry, trying not to stress, waiting for the next Hunger Games movie, knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life with no means of doing it, yucky cold germs, 60's in the morning and 80's in the afternoon, Kristen Stewart's acting, my unarched eyebrows (I know you've been looking, I'm working on it!), hair products, carbs, pimples, always being "in the mood" (wives can I get an amen?), lack of good music, broken promises, stinky trash, needing furniture, to reproduce or not to reproduce (seriously, that is the question), cheating on Dunking Donuts because of Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte, broken toliet thing that won't flush, 8 year old guitar strings, getting out of debt, debt, avoiding debt, resisting more debt, settling debt, did I mention debt, safety for my friend who is in the service over seas, gas prices, Nine West withdrawls, carpet stains, completing at least one pin on my pintrest, True Blood's season finale, and I'm sure a bunch more. It's a never ending cycle..welcome to the inner working of my brain.

 

Can you relate to this? Does it feel like I'm reading straight from your online journal? Do find yourself stressed out by the everyday (and not so everyday) worries of life...espeically Kristen Stewart's acting?

 

God has used this past year to teach me about this thorn in my side called worry/stress. In a nutshell, God said "STOP IT". Easier said then done. How do you stop?

 

Well 1st, you need to take a deep breath. Go ahead.....Feels good, right? Do it again for reassurance.

 

2nd- tell yourself "It's not that bad" (except for Kristen Stewarts acting; it really is that bad). Whatever it is that causes you to stress you've given it way too much control. If you're like me, if a financial emergency comes up that you're not prepared for, you think the absolute worst. Example: Car breaks down....OH GOD I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB. See? It's not that bad. It sucks, yes, but before you start signing up for unemployment benefits take that deep breath and tell yourself "It's not that bad".

 

3rd-Pray. I know I know I know. Trust me I know. There is a problem. Something that needs to be fixed NOW. Praying? Really Dana, pray what? :) Glad you asked. I'd like to take you to where God has led me to numerous times throughout this past year: Philipians. *insert the demons screaming "we're melting!"*

Philipians 4:6-7

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

*cue praise break music*

 

When God first let me to this scripture I wanted to throw something. That's not what I wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear is "Do not be anxious for an anynomous check will arive tomorrow...", or "Do not be anxious the Lord almighty will destroy your debt collectors"....No, it says Do not be anxious for anything, but in EVERY situation (lost job, broken car, not enough money, no food, power is cut off, Kristen Stewart's acting) PRAY. You know what my hard part of that was? Thanksgiving. Not the gobble gobble with gravy Thanksgiving, but thanking God. Giving God thanks. Thanking the Lord. Doesn't this seem just cruel.? You've just cried your mascara off, hair is in turmoil from pulling on it, you've bitten your nails to the point they are bleeding, and verbally destroyed everyone in your life and you're to give thanks? YUP. That's the key to removing worry/stress. When you focus on what to thank God for, your perspective begins to shift. You find yourself maybe even cracking a smile as you thank God for your children, your husband, your job, running water, clothes on your back, food in your fridge, gas in your broken car,....Jesus's sacrafice......there is always something to be thankful for. Always.

 

4th-Then what? My favorite part: The Peace of God saves the day. It doesn't immediately fix the problems, or magically makes it all disappear. But it covers your heart and your mind while God and yourself fix the problem at hand.

 

Removing the worry/anxiety/stress will help you pray clear specific prayers AND listen to what God is saying. This isn't hocus pocus mumbo jumbo stuff. This is something that I had no other choice but to practice. It was either that, or lose my mind. Honestly. I started experiencing panic attacks on a daily basis because worry and stress gripped me so strong. I couldn't even hear God speaking to me because all I heard was my own fears and worries. It's not worth it. Trust me.

 

My life by no means is glamarous. There's nothing spectacular or fancy about it. I don't "ball" out of control or live beyond my means. My husband and I both work hard to provide and be good stewards of what we've been blessed with but life has dealt some difficult times to us and some we've dealt ourselves. I wish I could say I handled those difficult times with grace each and everytime. What I can say is, I have learned so much through those times and have learned to truly rely on God's peace to see me through those times when I feel stress creeping up.

 

Story time! Just recently, Tony and I were up against the financial wall (you know the wall that seems taller than the skies with no way around it). We were out of options. This had nothing to do with us choosing to eat out every night or me buying shoes (even though I wanted too...sigh). Simply put transition with new jobs and pay schedules. Not being irresponsible with our money. Matter of fact our stove is begging for a break! Anyway, we were out of options and it's the first of the month...nuff said. We looked at each other and we didn't argue, or even play the blame game (our favorite...iKid). The words that came out of his mouth at that moment were the same words that were resonating in my heart as we drove home from church, "I should be stressed out, but I am not. I feel God's peace." (Single ladies, please hear your friend...marry a man that loves the Lord. Not perfect, but loves and fears the Lord. When times are at its worst you want a leader who will be lead by God's peace and wisdom...trust me). I looked back at Tony and just smiled. He knows me so well. He was waiting for my meltdown. I could feel his prayers over those past few days covering me. I explained to him "I can feel worry and stress trying to get to me but I feel God's peace blocking it. I can't bring myself to worry about this because of how strong I feel God's peace". So what happened next? We got evicted. Kidding. Some how things just worked out and God added to that a little financial miracle that came in the mail. It wasn't a million dollars, but it was overflow (sorry to go all Christianese on you but that's one of my favorite Christianese words). True story peoples. True story.

 

I want to encourage all my worrybots: There is a peace that God has promised to us that will pass all understanding (God I don't understand how I got here, God I don't understand why this is happening to me, God I don't understand where I went wrong...). This peace will guard not only your heart but your mind. Spend some time alone with God today and ask Him to make this scripture real in your life and your heart. You'll be amazed at how removing anxiety/worry/stress out of your life can drastically change your prespective, your marriage, your parenting skills, and hopefully oneday Kristen Stewart's acting.

 

Thank you for reading my novel :)

 

 

Well hello 2012

Where did this year go?? Don't get me wrong. I'm not sad to see it go but a lot of wonderful memories were made this year. A lot of hard decisions were made. A lot of maturing. A lot.

I'm going to do my best to keep up with the blogging. A good friend came into my store yesterday and she inspired me to start writing again. Life has completely changed. I have changed. For the good that is. There's exciting news to share. Exciting for some. Sad for others.

Tonight, I am on E. My emotional tank is overflowing leaving stray tears falling at any given moment. Good, bad, sad, upset, angry, joyful, hopeful, doubtful, bitter, excited, etc. I can't think straight. All I can do is put on my praise music and get lost in the beautiful harmony while God wraps me in His embrace. I like to call this phase in life Holding On. Holding On to what I know is truth even when its difficult. Holding On to God's peace. Holding On to any bit of strength I have left. Its times like this when I become very recluse. Its times like this that push me closer to my Savior. Its times like this that my faith is built. Its times like this that I appreciate my dear husband who can carry me. Its not a matter of if these times will come but when. I know none of this makes sense now. When I have time to do a complete update it will all make sense :)

Please know that I am doing well. Tony and I are beyond wonderful. My family is absolutely beautiful and amazing. Gabrielle hugged Tony and I both before falling asleep with the biggest smile on her face saying "I love my family". And God....what words can explain His greatness? His grace? His love? If it were not for God and His presence I couldn't face each day.

Happy New Year.

Alright 2012, lets do this.

Straight Way

I had a sweet evening with the Lord tonight. Gabby and Tony went to church and I stayed home after work to relax, take deep breaths, and attend RWOC online. It felt like ever song they sung, and ever word Apostle spoke was sent straight from God to speak to me. The worship opened up with Kari Jobe's song 'For Me' and immediately the tears began to fall. And I let them. These past few weeks have been so trying on me. Stressed out to the max and confused on which way is up, down, whatever. I even fussed at God, screaming 'Where the heck are you!?!?'...Ok I probably didn't say heck but you know what I mean. Oh come on, you know you have those moments where you feel like God is watching you drown and waiting until the last minute to throw you a life saver. But hearing Pastor Steven sing over and over "I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness. And I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me of who you are" just broke me. I needed it. I needed that sweet moment with God to let Him remind me who He is and He is for me. They then began to sing "How He loves" and changed the words after singing a few choruses "I love you, Oh how I love you, Oh how I love you, Oh how I love you"....so sweet. Apostle Ron then gets on the stage and is standing there. I know that look. He's about to mess up my world. He tells Steven to sing "Wrap me in your arms" and the dam breaks. Tears flowing, God's presence just fills my house and it's just God and I as he wraps me in His arms. Having a God who loves and cares so much about every intricate detail of my life, who will meet me in my living room to remind me He knows and He's there, is beyond words. And He was just waiting on me. I tend to build and build and build up stress trying to be strong and take care of things and God being the gentle creator He is will patiently watch and wait for me to break so he can pick up the pieces and restore me back to peace. Sigh....my knight in shinning armor :) Apostle then shares the scripture that God laid on his heart during worship that had Him in tears, Psalm 107:4-7. It hit home. Oh man did it hit home: 4 Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. 5 They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 7 He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle Some key things in how it stuck out to me: 1. Wandering around wastelands. I feel as if I am and have been just wandering around life trying to find my way to a place where I can settle in a career, home, city, etc. 2. Their lives ebbed away. Because of this wondering my life has decreased in so many areas. We're not in a place of settling which makes it difficult to take root and grow. However, this isn't the place for us to take root and grow either. How can a tree bear fruit if planted in the desert? 3. He delievered them. His grace is sufficient. This part leaves me speechless because He heard their cries, my cries, and He is always there to deliever. 4. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. I see where God is leading us to that straight way that will lead to the place we will settle. Praise God that this isn't it for us! Praise God He has a plan and purpose for our lives!! You may be scratching your head wondering what in the world I'm talking about or you may be shouting at the screen (Brandy), but I wrote this blog for me. As a reminder that when the desert gets unbearable and is ebbing away at my life to cry out to God for help and he'll deliever me and then lead me on a path that is not going to decrease my life but lead to a place where I can finally walk in his calling and plan for my life. Jesus, you simply amaze me.

Do you have a return?

Leave it to God to stick me in retail to teach me how much I am NOT a people person. "But Dana you're so friendly and fun".....when I've had coffee. Ok, yes I am friendly. I enjoy my FRIENDS. I enjoy the company of people I actually KNOW. People I don't know...different story. I came up with this saying years ago to describe me, "For an extrovert, I'm really introverted". This is me. When it comes to people I don't know I have no clue what to say. I suck at conversation starters. I am that person that will discuss the weather because I have nothing else to say. The crazy thing is I am great with strangers........ STRANGER DANGER!!!........sorry..ADD moment. I am so great with my customers at work. I will talk and talk with them about absolutely nothing. IF I have had my coffee I actually don't mind it. However, on days like today...I just really could care less what they have to say. Mean right? I don't even want to ask how they are doing because if they respond with "JUST LOOKING" (which is not an answer to the question I asked) I may start pegging shoes at them until they run away. Mean right? I'm such a meany.

Today I had to make a return....ugh it was tough to return too. I had gotten 2 pairs of really cute pants from Lane Bryant that fit me PERFECTLY! However, a sure sign of maturity is choosing my family's well being over pants that make my assests look lovely. So I took them back today. I get to the register and there is a lady in front of me ordering something online. The blessed lady working the register looks at me with my bag and ask if I have a exchange. I tell her I have a return. She ask if I want to look around for anything else and I tell her no thank you. So she goes back to helping the lady in front of me. She then comes from behind the cash wrap, looks at me again and ask if I have an exchange...Now I'm confused. I could have sworn I just told her less than 4 seconds ago that I had a return. I tell her again, no ma'am I have a return. She then proceeds to yell at her co-worker (who just so happens to be at the front of the store) "COME DO THIS RETURN"....gee thanks for calling me out. So this woman comes up and doesn't say hello, how are you, i hate your guts for screwing up our numbers with your return. She ask if I have a receipt proceeds with the return with an attitude. Here I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this lady is giving me an attitude because it's not benefiting her. I leave the store feeling like I NEVER want to shop here again because of how I was treated.

How many times do we treat those who aren't so nicely polished according to our Christian standards? They come into our churches looking all kinds of things (trashy, skanky, dirty, poor, etc) and instead of assisting them we treat them with disdain. Who knows the reason why the unsaved come to church but should that be any of our concern? Our job is to love them, make them feel welcomed into the kingdom of God and roll out the red carpet because they are loved by our heavenly father. If God says they are loved..then whom am I to agrue with that. Why shun them? Why look at them rather than talk to them? Why expect the hospitality team to great them? Why leave their eternity in the hands of someone else when God placed them on your heart? They are in the perfect place to return their hurt, pain, addictions, worries, fears, bad habits, sin, and exchange if for God's peace, love, salvation. We may think they don't care but our attitudes will speak volumes louder than our words.

I felt sooo convicted. I know when someone walks into my store carrying a Nine West bag or box I already know they have a return and start to build up my attitude because they are hurting my numbers for the day. I had the sweetest lady come in today who has Parkinson's Disease. She couldn't stop her head from shaking. She bought a pair of shoes, worn them but they hurt her feet...my intial reaction "OH WELL". Good thing my store manager is more forgiving. She already approved for this lady to exchange her worn shoes. After helping her for about 20 minutes God started giving me a spiritual whooping. This woman was extremely sweet and wasn't trying to be dishonest. She was having her second back surgery shortly and needed comfortable shoes to wear.

I told my store manger before I left that I have a new vow....No more attitudes with returns. I'm adopting this in every area of my life. When I run across someone who may not have anything that will benefit me, instead of building up a wall, I'm going to extend my arms and love and serve them however they may need it. I definitely got a good glimpse of how my customers may feel when I have an attitude about their returns..... :( not pretty. Sigh...maybe one day I'll get this whole thing together :)

Product of Grace

I don't do well with pre-judgements on myself. If I feel someone putting me on a pedestal I will quickly jump off and destroy it. If I feel someone putting me into a stereotype I will do something to make them think again. If I feel someone placing unrealistic expectations on me I will do the complete opposite of what they expect to prove a point. What's my point? I am not who you think I am. I am a man.

Kidding. Seriously though. I am not perfect. I don't do the right thing all the time. I have the weirdest sense of humor and can be very mean at times. I have a huge lack of patience. I can be lazy.....a lot. I am not organized. I am always late, for everything! I say the wrong thing all the time and make up words that make absolutely no sense. I don't have this squeaky clean and perfect past. What I am today is a product of grace.

My truest friends know me best. For that, I am so thankful. I can be very guarded and won't let people get so close me. The friends that God has placed in my life have seen me in every ugly, hurtful, and painful place I have experienced, and love me none the less.

God has been dealing a lot with me about friendships and relationships. God is transitioning my family and with that he's adjusting my relationships. A friendship I thought that was completely over has been brought back to life and better than ever. A friendship that came right on time. The prayers of this friend has helped keep me sane, challenged me to push deeper with God, and protect my family. The random moments with this friend has given me a safe place to let my short hair down and be me 100% uncensored. It's finally a friendship where iron is sharping iron. A friendship I am so thankful for.

My relationship with my amazing husband is absolutely beautiful. Ohhhh man if you could have seen what it was like for the first 6 years of it! I look at him everyday and thank God for what He has done for our marriage. We both work so hard to put each other before ourselves, to have a selfless love. When I am away from Tony all I think about is him and wanting him to just hold me. This amazing God-fearing man has such an awesome heart and testimony.

My life is no where near perfect. I have a God that makes me look so much better than I really am. He loves and cares so much for me, why should I waste my life on anything less then His best? I had to cut out unnecessary drama and stress. Have you ever realized how difficult it is to hear God's voice when you're stressing out over life? I've put my foot down and said no to stress. No to the silly games people want to play. No to stressing over things I can't change. Last week was just emotional overload. I had to say no to letting certain things bother me. The past 2 nights I have had such an amazing and peaceful evening with Gabby and Tony. It's funny how sometimes we let outside life inside of our home and destroy our peace. You better believe Saturday and Sunday were dedicated to praying peace back in my home and pleading the blood of Jesus over my family.

Sure I'd love my red cape and boots with matching super powers, but God's grace surpases all that any day.

"And I ask you how many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound? And you answer my child I love you, and as long as your seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"-Silar's Bald

Running after you

I wish I could be superwoman sometimes. You know, super powers and all. Since this is reality I'm left with a million things to be tended to and only one me. It's all so overwhelming. I wish I were organized enough to have my life together. Days like today I wish life were normal. M-F 8-5 boring job. Maybe then sanity would reside longer than 15 minutes. This week has just been reality over load for me. Looking at the home page of yahoo makes me want to bust out in tears and long for the return of Christ.

It's funny because lots of women look at me being young with a 4 years old and 4 years of marriage under my belt and wish they had this. I look at them and want to laugh. All of this is great but comes with a cost. Somethings will get ignored. The days I work (which feels like everyday) by time I get off all I want to do is rest. Gabby will not stay in her bed at night, waking up every 2-3 hours. I think she's going through seperation anxiety because I don't get a lot of time with her. This lack of sleep filters over into my work day. I'm tired all day. I get home and have to love on Gabby, love on Tony, while the laundry, dishes, and other house chores long for my attention as well. What's more important? House chores or family? I always choose family. Tony and I don't have a day off together so we attempt to squeeze in maybe an hour of alone time before attempting to sleep. Since my brain doesn't know when to shut off I'm left laying in bed for the next 3 hours hoping the travel channel will eventually put me to sleep. By time I start to doze here comes Gabby and the cycle starts again. I don't have 2 days off in a row. My days off are divided. As of today I will work 8 days straight before getting another day off. Best part is it's not overtime.

Overwhelmed at the moment is an understantment. How do I keep my peace? Barely and by the grace of God. I have my "Pure Abandoment" playlist playing reminding me of God's soverignty and goodness. Funny how no matter what life brings it always leaves me running back to God. When times are good I'm running to crawl in my heavenly father's lap to celebrate. When life is unbearable, I am running to his open arms to let his embrace ease away all the pain. When life becomes so overwhelming, I am running to his presence for strength.

So many people look at me and think I have it all together and I don't. What I do have is a God that walks with me every step of the way helping me, strengthing me, and cleansing me.

Fake it till you make it

Goodness my mind won't stop wheeling. The good thing about blogging is I can pour out my thoughts uncensored and not worry about offending someone's opinion. Thank you blogger for giving me room to let loose :)

As I get older I keep hearing this concept of "making it". When I "make it", determind to "make it", chasing after my dreams so I can "make it"......What exactly are people trying to "make". More money? More friends? Connections? Recognition? What!? In no way am I knocking anyone for wanting to "make it"; however I can't help but wonder WHY? First response would be to take care of my family...my response: You are doing a wonderful job of that now. If we take away the chivalarous answers I think we have this pure honest answer: So I will be remembered as something/someone great. Let's face it, we all want to go back to our high school reunions to rub in everyone else's face how important/valuable we've become. We want to show everyone that doubted us that we can "make it" and then show those who have already "made it" how to give back to where they came from. When laying it out like this it sounds like we're more concerned about what other people think of us and see us as.

As of late my mind can't get off of this: I want to be used by God, remain nameless so He can become great....not me. Tony and I are making less money than when we first got married. And by less I mean less than half of what we made when we first got married. To be honest, this is the happiest we have been. Finances have been a pain in the butt, yet we've been able to make the best out of life and give Gabrielle everything she NEEDS (although we'd love to spoil her and give her everything she WANTS). At the end of the day we're so blessed.

We've been without cable for over a month now. And when I say without cable this includes local channels. Our local channels are a blue screen. I absolutely loved and still enjoy the quietness it brings. We spend so much more time as a family now watching movies, reading books, playing xbox together, playing with Gabby, getting out of the house, etc. I didn't realize how much cable divided my home. Typical evening in my home with cable: Tony in the living room watching ESPN, me in the bedroom watching Food Network, Gabrielle running around the house bored demanding for one of us to play with her. How sad is that? How did we get like that? Now, our evenings consist of us spending quality time together over a movie from netflix, or extended bed time with Gabby with lots of books, or laying on the bed and talking about things we've never talked about. Now I am pretty sure those who are striving to "make it" wouldn't put "Not having cable for a month" as one of their criteria for "making it". Matter of fact I think they'd panic without such a luxury, connection to meaningless entertainment. Now of course I love cable tv. I catch up on Biggest Loser on nbc.com and thank you Hulu for having Atlanta Housewives on there, but how important are these shows to my life? It's amazing how much of a priority I would place on these shows. I thought I'd die not being able to watch my weekly reality tv shows.....I was wrong because I am still living and breathing.

Back to this idea of "making it". I admit that I was guilty of this thinking before. I want to be known. I want to make more money (I still would like that!). I want I want I want. I forgot to even consider what God wants. How did I forget that His ways are higher (Isaiah 55:9)? He has an amazing plan for my future (Jeremiah 29:11)? Seeking God and his righteousness first will Add to my life (Matthew 6:33)? How did I loose sight of this? I mean really...do I honestly believe that I can do better for my life than what God can? If I work harder, stress more, pull ourselves in every direction, and chase after dreams to "make it" that will make us happy? Happier? Successful?

My thinking is starting to shift on things above, not to sound all cliche and all. But I really am starting to see life as not something to build myself up but make God known. When I die I leave everything behind. EVERYTHING. But what I do take with me are souls that have come to the knowing knowledge of Christ. I will meet those people once again in heaven and to see them saved from a cursed eternity is starting to weigh heavier on me. Now, I'm not bugging out. Promise. You won't see me downtown talking about eternal damnation. But you will see me serving and loving more. Not so I can gain anything in return, but so they can have the joy that I have. They can find their purpose in life. They can taste and see how good God is (Psalm 34:8).

God is so good. I think all of this weighs so heavy on me because I feel God so strong in my family. I feel Him leading us....And I hate to say this because it sounds so cliche, but I hear Him calling us as a family. Even Gabrielle. Gabby preached to Tony the other day when we has sick. She told him "Daddy you have to get better because God doesn't want you sick. You need to pray and ask God to make you better and He will make you better". My 4 year old....it brings tears to my eyes to see God working through her at 4 years old. Not a night goes by that we don't say prayers. She will not go to bed unless we say prayers. She wants me to read the bible to her every night and sing "God songs" (what she calls worship music) to her. If she knows the song she'll sing it with me. What I love about all of this, I don't force any of this on her. My prayer every night is that her heart always pursue God.

Tony has completely changed. My goodness! I don't know if he realizes this but he has become ministry minded. Meaning, he no longer cares about "making it", rather he's more concerned about helping others "make it" to God. He was looking for another job and before even having the interview decided to turn the position away (that paid a significant amount more) because he didn't want to miss church on Wednesday nights. He serves in our middle school youth group. Ministry-minded.

I pose this question to you....what are you chasing after? what are you living for? Life is so much more than just trying to "make it". Yes, take care of your family, excel and use the wisdom and knowledge God has given you, but don't waste your life chasing after these things. After all...seeking God and his righteousness will Add these things to you :)

Shoo Flu!

The plague has hit my home. That was a little dramatic. The Flu has struck my home. Tony took Miss Gabs to the drs with a fever. We were thinking it was an ear infection but they informed us it was the flu. We caught it early (yes!) so thankfully she didn't have to go through all the yucky flu symptoms. She has been such a big girl though!! I kept her in doors for the last 2 days and she has been contempt with watching movies and laying in the bed. I will let her get up and run around the house and play. That will last all of 10 minutes and she's back on the couch watching movies again.

Tony came home from work today with a fever and chills. I gave him some nyquil cold and flu, powerade with a mixture of Emergen-C, and some gummy bears and sent him to bed. I refuse to catch this mess. I have to work and too much going on to get sick. I absolutely refuse.

Gabby is doing a lot better and actually took care of Tony tonight while I worked. That's my girl :)

So I have a few blogs brewing in my brain that I think will be pretty interesting. Topics are Reconciliation, Maturity, Humble Beginnings, Prayer does work, Bad parenting, and The song of my heart. :) stay tuned!

Wide Awake

Work will be here soon. In a few hours I'll want to throw my alarm clock against the wall and curse its existence. It's not its fault that I don't get to bed at a decent hour. It is only doing what it was created to do....wake me up. If I don't like it, oh well....it was designed and created to keep me posted of the time and alert me when it's time to get moving.....If I don't hear it and oversleep....not it's fault.....Even if I do hear it and ignore it's first warning, it'll give me a second, third, fourth, etc warning every 9 mins (why 9? I don't know...weird thing).

Does that remind you of something? Or should I say someone?

The holy spirit, still soft voice, conscience, ephiphany, whatever you look at it as, is like that alarm clock. When the time is right bombs will go off and if you're not listening, ignoring it, or trying to throw it against the wall you could miss a very important life moment.

Don't you just hate that annoying buzzing sound? EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom got me a new alarm clock for Christmas because Gabby took my old one. It had a cd player to it and she liked to fall asleep to worship music. How can I deny my child worship music? So the alarm clock became hers. In it's place I used my phone alarm....EPIC FAIL!! I can't tell you how many times that stupid thing wouldn't go off and leave me sleeping so peacefully only to wake up 10 mins before I needed to be at work. So my mom got me a new alarm clock to take it's place. This alarm clock is great. I never have to set the time. I just plug it in and it starts to shuffle through numbers (reminds me of Biggest Loser weigh ins) until it stops at the current time. I have no clue how it knows what time it is but it's just that awesome! Thank God it does because it's the only clock we have in the house.

Destiny has been calling out to Tony and I for the past few months. It's been sending us warning EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!! alerting us that it's almost time. Time for us to walk out why we are on this earth, why we've endured so much over the years, why death couldn't claim my life in 2008, why my marriage HAD to survive. Everything we have been through has led us up to this point in life and Destiny is shouting that it's time to wake up and get ready....we can't miss this Life Moment. Too many lives are at stake. Too many souls need to be awakened. Too many hearts need to be mended.

Now I can't get mad when it goes off and come up with excuses as too why im not ready (I got caught up stalking my Facebook friends, great movie came one, or blogging :) ).God will set off that alarm when the time is right. Our task is to make sure we're prepared, equipped with the knowledge of Truth, living with a renewed mind, a pure heart, and practicing the fruits of the Spirit so we can meet that Life Moment, embrace it, and live it when that alarm goes off.

Besides, what good are you if you stay asleep?

Time to wake up.

In saying that I better get some sleep. Totally didn't mean to preach a mini-sermon. Good night.

Rain rain go away

I love to blog. How ever did I get away from blogging? So what shall we talk about tonight? Where life is right now? Gabrielle getting so smart and old? Marriage? The weather? Relationships? I have no clue lets just see where this ends up.

The weather is absolutely depressing today. I could have been awarded the "Worst Mother in America" award today. Lethargic is an understatment and I forgot to use patience. Creativity is as clear as the sky and my eyes refuse to stay open, even when driving. I could have laid in the bed and done so all day long.

My mind has been in overdrive these past few weeks. The reality of being an adult has hit pretty hard. Life just feels so.....crucial? serious? right now. I feel as if this is no longer a game. This is real life. Real decisions. Life changing decisions. It would be nice if I could just step back and let someone else make the decisions but that's not how it works. I'm sure we'll make the right decisions and look back and be glad we did. I wish I could fast forward to that part.

That's about all I have for right now. Maybe my intellect will return with the sun :)

Nothing like the present

Wow. It's been a long time away from blogging. Mainly due to not having a computer and then not knowing what to say. What could I say? Last year left me beyond speechless. Last year left me torn into so many pieces. Last year....Boy. I pray I never have to repeat what I went through last year. So much was shed. It felt like with each passing month something else was being stripped away out of my life. January-friends. February-Marriage. March-Dreams. April-Job. May-Stability. June-Peace. July-Finances. September-Sanity. October-My home. November-Family. December-Joy. I know things like stability, peace, sanity, and joy seems so cliche but when you loose them the reality of what they brought to life magnifies. When you no longer have them, life doesn't seem worth living. Why push on? Why keep going? How did I make it out? I followeed the trail of bread crumbs that God laid out. Although each month stripped something so important out of my life God also laid out a little manna to keep me going. See in January I lost friends but I gained back my household. February I lost my marriage but I got truth. March my dreams were shattered but I found out what I didn't want to do with my life. I gave up my job in April for pursing a false dream but I faced my fear of failure. Stability was shattered in May which lead to a faith in God's provision that can't be pierced now. I felt like I lost my mind in June with no peace and almost nervous breakdowns but I spent some precious time with my little girl. Finances ran us over in July and again God showed us how He is provider of our life with miracle after miracle. September I lost all sense of sanity, what was good and bad, but through that I found out my true strength and loyalty belong to God. October I loose my beautiful 3 bedroom townhome, but I fall in love with a church. November I spend my first Thanksgiving without my family but got to feel how much they mean to me. I didn't look forward to Christmas holidays or any celebration at all, but what brewed was a desperation to make 2010 better than 2009.

So where do I stand today? I work at Samsung which I hate and desperatly trying to find another job. I troubleshoot cell phone issues. And most of the time it's walking people how to put the battery in the phone. Seriously. Up until today I had the worst supervisor EVER! But somehow God worked a miracle and now I have the most amazing supervisor ever! I am still trying to get out but having the new supervisor makes work that much more bearable. I am really looking into pursuing a career in the medical field. The specifics are still sketchy but I am leaning toward Sonogram Technician :) I am taking oneday at a time and letting God put back together the pieces of my life. I sing at my church in which I lovee!!! I so love Discover Church. Man. I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing place. And my pastors....the most amazing and genuine people ever. They're awesome. We are in a 3 bedroom apartment that we actually really life. We have plenty of space and got this place for practically nothing! And its a gated apartment. Gabby is such a joy to be around. So much life, love, and fun resides in this little three year old. I really need to start back with the Gabby Chronicles.

Hopefully the blogs will consist of some good content in the days to come. Right now, Im taking it oneday at time and trying to enjoy this life I have. I only have one :)

Hang on during the transition

Ever went through a transition? It's ok, you can raise your hand, say amen to the computer screen. Ever felt like every single area of your life just caved in all at once? Usually when this happens we want to get the oil and pray the devil out....but transitions are not the devil.....they are from God.

My life has been one transition to the next and so on. As soon as I get comfortable and get settled in, God changes things and gets me moving again. If you know me, you know I love a good change. I've never been through a change that did not turn out to be great. But this current transition has been so tough. So trying. So testing. It seriously broke me down in every area. Now, I am not talking about God having to strip me of all these inward/outward sins, I'm just talking about God aligning my life to His plan. God setting me up for what I was born for. God showing me where my place is and who is suppose to help carry that vision in my life.

I have been quiet for a while with the blogging. Not so much by choice but because I had no voice. I felt like Zechariah who was silenced by God until that baby was born so he couldn't speak against what God was doing, because he didn't believe. He couldn't see how God was going to pull a baby out of his wife's womb (get it, rabbit out of hat, baby out of a womb...no...sorry, cont.). I couldn't even speak about it if I wanted to. I could not see how God was going to take our messed up situations and completely change it around. I still can't even talk about everything going on. But I can talk about the transition phase b/c I've noticed I am not the only in this spot. My advice to you...don't give up. Don't throw in the towel. If everything around you seems to be new and you have no idea what is going on, don't run away. God is shifting things around in your life and the end result is far better than you could have imagined.

I can't wait to share with you this entire story of transition in my life. It started last year and man has it been a year. But because of it I have become a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. The journey is only begun but I am excited about this new phase we are about to enter. I am excited to see God pull out the potential in Tony and I and set us before those who can help us discover our full potential. I am amazed at where God is taking Tony and I too. God is honoring our prayers and obedience and exceeding everything we could have hoped for. We are so blessed. So so so so blessed and I know God wants the same for you!

If you are in a transition, don't get weary because this isn't a permanent place. This is meant to carry you from one place to the next. Learn from it, grow from it, but don't get settled because God has something so great in store for you. It's so easy to get caught up in how bad things are going but trust God...tell him your needs and He will supply them. Cast your cares on him...He will listen and respond. We serve a beautiful and magnificient savior that will never leave us stranded, and if no one is there to uplift you, I am. Keep your head up and follow what God is leading you to do. Sometimes it's not easy but it's necessary and He knows the end result....you win :)

Gabby Chronicles

January 27, 2009
Gabby Chronicles: FYI, these are actual events in my household.

Gabrielle decided to follow me into the potty room yesterday. She ran around in that small space screaming "Yay Mommy go Pee Pee". She then starts banging on the doors with both hands because it made a loud noise in that echoey bathroom. She then proceeds to run from door to wall smacking them because the noise was fun to her. So she then gets behind the toilet to grab the Febreeze. This child has a death grip on it and won't let go and I see her tiny little fingers gradually crawl up the bottle to the nozzle to squirt me with it. My attempts to pull the bottle out of her hands failed and she ended up spraying Febreeze all over her. As she is squeezing Autumn Breeze all over her she has her eyes closed and is laughing. I am freaking out thinking this toxic crap is going to burn out her retinas. So I finally get the bottle away from her and frantically checking her eyes and she's looking at me like I am crazy. Her retinas were fine and she continued on with banging on the walls. Her hair smelt like Autumn Breeze the rest of the night.

This morning around 4 am almost kicked her down the stairs. Seriously. Tony got up around 3 to put her back to sleep b/c she was crying. He forgot to close her door all the way and didn't put the gate up to block the stairs. Men. Around 4 am I hear this noise by our door and I shoot up in the bed. It's dark and it's hard to see anything but I look at my door and I see this dark figure laying on the ground by my door. My first thought was "Omg, it's that evil girl from The Ring coming to claim my soul". Seriously, it really was. I was thinking of all the scriptures I could to start yelling off if this thing proceeds to come into the room. So I smack Tony to wake him up. I hear the dark thing chuckle. "Gabby!?". "HI MOMMY!" She runs to my side of the bed just chattering away. I don't think she realized just how close she was to getting punt kicked down the stairs.

January 26, 2009
I went to get my hair done on Saturday. On the way back home I get a phone call from Tony and he's super pissed and screaming at me to hurry up and get home and get our child. I haven't eaten all day so I am like can I atleast get something to eat in which he replies no, come home right now. Loser. So I come home and my living room is all destroyed. Tony's running around the house screaming the whole time and then looks at me and says "Gabrielle lost my Call of Duty game". I couldn't help but bust out laughing. He gives me the run down of what happened. He said he took the game out of it's case and put it down for a second to change Gabrielle's diaper. He said from the time he went to throw the diaper away and back into the living room the game disappeared. Again I am hysterically laughing. This was worth not stopping to eat. Now, this isn't the first time Gabby has lost something. Tony requested a new check card from his bank a while back. We got it. Left it on the table for a minute...we haven't seen that card since. So I start looking around and asking Gabby where is the CD. So she's running around the house yelling CD. Tony's fumming. I am still laughing and give Gabrielle a high-five. So after about 30 minutes of looking I finally find it....stuck under the xbox. Once we found it, Tony apologizes and runs to get us some Zaxby's. This will probably be my favorite story of her's ever.

Saturday evening we dropped Gabrielle off at my parent's house to go see Underworld. As we were about to leave I go to Gabby and ask her to give me kisses. So she gives me an mmmaah and I ask for another one. So she gives me another one. So I ask for another one and she gives me another. About the 5th time I ask she sticks her whole hand in my face and says "No mommy. Go bye bye". My child kicked me out of my parent's house. Man.

January 23, 2009
She ate her first bowl of cereal with milk yesterday. After she got done eating the cereal she drank the milk from the bowl...I'm so proud.

She pee pee'd on the potty twice! Now if we can get her to do it everytime she has to go to the bathroom!

Tony said when he dropped her off this morning this little girl came up to her to help her take her jacket off and Gabby swatted her hand away and looked at her like "I got this".

Gabby may have her first victim. Tony said there's a little boy in her class that drops everything he is doing when Gabrielle walks into the room to go be with her. Tony said he'd hate to have to hurt him.

This morning she tried to baracade her door with the laundry basket. Busted. But she was really sweet this morning so we forgave her. She coughed and covered her mouth and said excuse me when she was done coughing.

The truth about your haters

This word has been floating around lately....A LOT. It seems that if you aren't on the band wagon of that person's personality, life style, religious belief, relational status, or fashion then you are a hater. Please allow me to separate what a real hater is from someone who refuses to jump on your band wagon.

A hater will never rejoice in anything good about your life. A hater's jealousy is a driving force within in their life. When a hater looks at the hated one they can't help but see what they want, what they wish they had, who they wish they could be. We think that a hater is one that is loud and broadcasting their hateration publicly. Not necessarily true. Your biggest hater could be your best friend.....even your family. People tend to think that haters are those people on the outside looking in. They're not necessarily haters, they're just judgemental, uninformed, stereotyping, clueless individuals. A hater has to know what you got going for you, what you're working with, in order to have something to be envious of. Envy and jealous are similar...except for the motives behind it. Jealousy is a feeling. We tend to see that really cute Coach purse and wish it was on our arm, that car is just simply divine and wish it were you driving it. Envy is the actions following jealousy. Envy is jealousy out of control. If jealousy isn't put into place envy will take over. Envy will cause you to go after what your jealous of. Why do single woman flock to married or taken men? Men, have you ever noticed how woman will come out of the wood works when you're in a relationship? They want what they don't have, so all those dirty calls, text messages, "What does your girl have that I don't have", is envy whirling it's ugly head. It is trying to get what it doesn't have.

To me, a true hater is almost like a double agent. They're on the inside so they can know all the juicy details of your life and they will either a) try to mimic it, b) try to steal it, or c) try to destroy it. That hater will find themselves trying to keep up with you in life. You get a new car, they try and get a new car. You move into a nicer neighborhood, they're breaking their back to afford a higher mortgage or rent payment to look just like you. I am not talking about posers, I am talking about a person that can't stand to see someone close to them doing better than them. They hate to see you excel. They hate to see you happy. They hate to see you living your dreams because they are not excelling, happy, or living their dreams.

So what's the difference from someone who isn't all up in your cheering section and a hater? Easy. It all comes down to truth. A hater won't tell you the truth because they want you to make a fool of yourself. They're not telling you the truth to destroy you but to help you. Sometimes the truth is going to go against what you feel but doesn't mean they're hating on you. They're just letting you know how stupid you look. If you are wearing a hair style that looks terrible...., well, then it looks terrible. There is nothing within in me that wants to wear that twisted up mess. I am not jealous, envious, or desiring that style. I am looking out for your well being and letting you know you look terrible. If you are trying to have a child and you can't even pay your light bill, me telling you to wait is not me hating. It is me reminding you that kids cost money and because they can't provide for themselves that leaves that job up to the parents...the ones who can't even pay their light bill.

People are so quick to throw out the title HATER to everyone and anyone who isn't looking at them and celebrating their life with them. Maybe they are not meant to be in your cheering section. They have an opinion and that's about it. Now if they start trying to chase after what you got, or destroy it, then they may be a hater. If they are continuously speaking negative over you and your situations then yes, they are a hater. Just because they don't agree with you doesn't make them a hater. It makes them a person with the free will to think you look like an idiot...when you really do. You should be thankful for those people who will tell you that you look stupid. You should be thankful for those people who are being honest with you even though it hurts. You should be thankful for those people whom aren't just hyping you up for failure or embarrassment.

Haters want to be in your inner circle so they can get all the information they can about you, smile in your face, and then go behind your back to discredit your household. Strangers aren't the ones you have to worry about hating on you. The people closest to you are the ones to watch. They hate to see you shed a few extra pounds when they're overweight. They hate to see you get a promotion because they can't hold down a job. Of course they don't want to see you happy in a relationship when they're miserably single/married. Who cares if someone who doesn't know you can't appreciate the good things in your life? Does it even matter? Those people who are closest to you that look at you funny, always making snide remarks, or always questioning where you are in life, are the ones to look out for. They are the real haters (not just someone with an opinion of you) that would be the first ones to stab you in the back.