Goodness my mind won't stop wheeling. The good thing about blogging is I can pour out my thoughts uncensored and not worry about offending someone's opinion. Thank you blogger for giving me room to let loose :)
As I get older I keep hearing this concept of "making it". When I "make it", determind to "make it", chasing after my dreams so I can "make it"......What exactly are people trying to "make". More money? More friends? Connections? Recognition? What!? In no way am I knocking anyone for wanting to "make it"; however I can't help but wonder WHY? First response would be to take care of my family...my response: You are doing a wonderful job of that now. If we take away the chivalarous answers I think we have this pure honest answer: So I will be remembered as something/someone great. Let's face it, we all want to go back to our high school reunions to rub in everyone else's face how important/valuable we've become. We want to show everyone that doubted us that we can "make it" and then show those who have already "made it" how to give back to where they came from. When laying it out like this it sounds like we're more concerned about what other people think of us and see us as.
As of late my mind can't get off of this: I want to be used by God, remain nameless so He can become great....not me. Tony and I are making less money than when we first got married. And by less I mean less than half of what we made when we first got married. To be honest, this is the happiest we have been. Finances have been a pain in the butt, yet we've been able to make the best out of life and give Gabrielle everything she NEEDS (although we'd love to spoil her and give her everything she WANTS). At the end of the day we're so blessed.
We've been without cable for over a month now. And when I say without cable this includes local channels. Our local channels are a blue screen. I absolutely loved and still enjoy the quietness it brings. We spend so much more time as a family now watching movies, reading books, playing xbox together, playing with Gabby, getting out of the house, etc. I didn't realize how much cable divided my home. Typical evening in my home with cable: Tony in the living room watching ESPN, me in the bedroom watching Food Network, Gabrielle running around the house bored demanding for one of us to play with her. How sad is that? How did we get like that? Now, our evenings consist of us spending quality time together over a movie from netflix, or extended bed time with Gabby with lots of books, or laying on the bed and talking about things we've never talked about. Now I am pretty sure those who are striving to "make it" wouldn't put "Not having cable for a month" as one of their criteria for "making it". Matter of fact I think they'd panic without such a luxury, connection to meaningless entertainment. Now of course I love cable tv. I catch up on Biggest Loser on nbc.com and thank you Hulu for having Atlanta Housewives on there, but how important are these shows to my life? It's amazing how much of a priority I would place on these shows. I thought I'd die not being able to watch my weekly reality tv shows.....I was wrong because I am still living and breathing.
Back to this idea of "making it". I admit that I was guilty of this thinking before. I want to be known. I want to make more money (I still would like that!). I want I want I want. I forgot to even consider what God wants. How did I forget that His ways are higher (Isaiah 55:9)? He has an amazing plan for my future (Jeremiah 29:11)? Seeking God and his righteousness first will Add to my life (Matthew 6:33)? How did I loose sight of this? I mean really...do I honestly believe that I can do better for my life than what God can? If I work harder, stress more, pull ourselves in every direction, and chase after dreams to "make it" that will make us happy? Happier? Successful?
My thinking is starting to shift on things above, not to sound all cliche and all. But I really am starting to see life as not something to build myself up but make God known. When I die I leave everything behind. EVERYTHING. But what I do take with me are souls that have come to the knowing knowledge of Christ. I will meet those people once again in heaven and to see them saved from a cursed eternity is starting to weigh heavier on me. Now, I'm not bugging out. Promise. You won't see me downtown talking about eternal damnation. But you will see me serving and loving more. Not so I can gain anything in return, but so they can have the joy that I have. They can find their purpose in life. They can taste and see how good God is (Psalm 34:8).
God is so good. I think all of this weighs so heavy on me because I feel God so strong in my family. I feel Him leading us....And I hate to say this because it sounds so cliche, but I hear Him calling us as a family. Even Gabrielle. Gabby preached to Tony the other day when we has sick. She told him "Daddy you have to get better because God doesn't want you sick. You need to pray and ask God to make you better and He will make you better". My 4 year old....it brings tears to my eyes to see God working through her at 4 years old. Not a night goes by that we don't say prayers. She will not go to bed unless we say prayers. She wants me to read the bible to her every night and sing "God songs" (what she calls worship music) to her. If she knows the song she'll sing it with me. What I love about all of this, I don't force any of this on her. My prayer every night is that her heart always pursue God.
Tony has completely changed. My goodness! I don't know if he realizes this but he has become ministry minded. Meaning, he no longer cares about "making it", rather he's more concerned about helping others "make it" to God. He was looking for another job and before even having the interview decided to turn the position away (that paid a significant amount more) because he didn't want to miss church on Wednesday nights. He serves in our middle school youth group. Ministry-minded.
I pose this question to you....what are you chasing after? what are you living for? Life is so much more than just trying to "make it". Yes, take care of your family, excel and use the wisdom and knowledge God has given you, but don't waste your life chasing after these things. After all...seeking God and his righteousness will Add these things to you :)
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