Where did this year go?? Don't get me wrong. I'm not sad to see it go but a lot of wonderful memories were made this year. A lot of hard decisions were made. A lot of maturing. A lot.
I'm going to do my best to keep up with the blogging. A good friend came into my store yesterday and she inspired me to start writing again. Life has completely changed. I have changed. For the good that is. There's exciting news to share. Exciting for some. Sad for others.
Tonight, I am on E. My emotional tank is overflowing leaving stray tears falling at any given moment. Good, bad, sad, upset, angry, joyful, hopeful, doubtful, bitter, excited, etc. I can't think straight. All I can do is put on my praise music and get lost in the beautiful harmony while God wraps me in His embrace. I like to call this phase in life Holding On. Holding On to what I know is truth even when its difficult. Holding On to God's peace. Holding On to any bit of strength I have left. Its times like this when I become very recluse. Its times like this that push me closer to my Savior. Its times like this that my faith is built. Its times like this that I appreciate my dear husband who can carry me. Its not a matter of if these times will come but when. I know none of this makes sense now. When I have time to do a complete update it will all make sense :)
Please know that I am doing well. Tony and I are beyond wonderful. My family is absolutely beautiful and amazing. Gabrielle hugged Tony and I both before falling asleep with the biggest smile on her face saying "I love my family". And God....what words can explain His greatness? His grace? His love? If it were not for God and His presence I couldn't face each day.
Happy New Year.
Alright 2012, lets do this.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Straight Way
I had a sweet evening with the Lord tonight. Gabby and Tony went to church and I stayed home after work to relax, take deep breaths, and attend RWOC online. It felt like ever song they sung, and ever word Apostle spoke was sent straight from God to speak to me. The worship opened up with Kari Jobe's song 'For Me' and immediately the tears began to fall. And I let them. These past few weeks have been so trying on me. Stressed out to the max and confused on which way is up, down, whatever. I even fussed at God, screaming 'Where the heck are you!?!?'...Ok I probably didn't say heck but you know what I mean. Oh come on, you know you have those moments where you feel like God is watching you drown and waiting until the last minute to throw you a life saver. But hearing Pastor Steven sing over and over "I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness. And I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me of who you are" just broke me. I needed it. I needed that sweet moment with God to let Him remind me who He is and He is for me. They then began to sing "How He loves" and changed the words after singing a few choruses "I love you, Oh how I love you, Oh how I love you, Oh how I love you"....so sweet. Apostle Ron then gets on the stage and is standing there. I know that look. He's about to mess up my world. He tells Steven to sing "Wrap me in your arms" and the dam breaks. Tears flowing, God's presence just fills my house and it's just God and I as he wraps me in His arms. Having a God who loves and cares so much about every intricate detail of my life, who will meet me in my living room to remind me He knows and He's there, is beyond words. And He was just waiting on me. I tend to build and build and build up stress trying to be strong and take care of things and God being the gentle creator He is will patiently watch and wait for me to break so he can pick up the pieces and restore me back to peace. Sigh....my knight in shinning armor :) Apostle then shares the scripture that God laid on his heart during worship that had Him in tears, Psalm 107:4-7. It hit home. Oh man did it hit home: 4 Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. 5 They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 7 He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle Some key things in how it stuck out to me: 1. Wandering around wastelands. I feel as if I am and have been just wandering around life trying to find my way to a place where I can settle in a career, home, city, etc. 2. Their lives ebbed away. Because of this wondering my life has decreased in so many areas. We're not in a place of settling which makes it difficult to take root and grow. However, this isn't the place for us to take root and grow either. How can a tree bear fruit if planted in the desert? 3. He delievered them. His grace is sufficient. This part leaves me speechless because He heard their cries, my cries, and He is always there to deliever. 4. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. I see where God is leading us to that straight way that will lead to the place we will settle. Praise God that this isn't it for us! Praise God He has a plan and purpose for our lives!! You may be scratching your head wondering what in the world I'm talking about or you may be shouting at the screen (Brandy), but I wrote this blog for me. As a reminder that when the desert gets unbearable and is ebbing away at my life to cry out to God for help and he'll deliever me and then lead me on a path that is not going to decrease my life but lead to a place where I can finally walk in his calling and plan for my life. Jesus, you simply amaze me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Do you have a return?
Leave it to God to stick me in retail to teach me how much I am NOT a people person. "But Dana you're so friendly and fun".....when I've had coffee. Ok, yes I am friendly. I enjoy my FRIENDS. I enjoy the company of people I actually KNOW. People I don't know...different story. I came up with this saying years ago to describe me, "For an extrovert, I'm really introverted". This is me. When it comes to people I don't know I have no clue what to say. I suck at conversation starters. I am that person that will discuss the weather because I have nothing else to say. The crazy thing is I am great with strangers........ STRANGER DANGER!!!........sorry..ADD moment. I am so great with my customers at work. I will talk and talk with them about absolutely nothing. IF I have had my coffee I actually don't mind it. However, on days like today...I just really could care less what they have to say. Mean right? I don't even want to ask how they are doing because if they respond with "JUST LOOKING" (which is not an answer to the question I asked) I may start pegging shoes at them until they run away. Mean right? I'm such a meany.
Today I had to make a return....ugh it was tough to return too. I had gotten 2 pairs of really cute pants from Lane Bryant that fit me PERFECTLY! However, a sure sign of maturity is choosing my family's well being over pants that make my assests look lovely. So I took them back today. I get to the register and there is a lady in front of me ordering something online. The blessed lady working the register looks at me with my bag and ask if I have a exchange. I tell her I have a return. She ask if I want to look around for anything else and I tell her no thank you. So she goes back to helping the lady in front of me. She then comes from behind the cash wrap, looks at me again and ask if I have an exchange...Now I'm confused. I could have sworn I just told her less than 4 seconds ago that I had a return. I tell her again, no ma'am I have a return. She then proceeds to yell at her co-worker (who just so happens to be at the front of the store) "COME DO THIS RETURN"....gee thanks for calling me out. So this woman comes up and doesn't say hello, how are you, i hate your guts for screwing up our numbers with your return. She ask if I have a receipt proceeds with the return with an attitude. Here I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this lady is giving me an attitude because it's not benefiting her. I leave the store feeling like I NEVER want to shop here again because of how I was treated.
How many times do we treat those who aren't so nicely polished according to our Christian standards? They come into our churches looking all kinds of things (trashy, skanky, dirty, poor, etc) and instead of assisting them we treat them with disdain. Who knows the reason why the unsaved come to church but should that be any of our concern? Our job is to love them, make them feel welcomed into the kingdom of God and roll out the red carpet because they are loved by our heavenly father. If God says they are loved..then whom am I to agrue with that. Why shun them? Why look at them rather than talk to them? Why expect the hospitality team to great them? Why leave their eternity in the hands of someone else when God placed them on your heart? They are in the perfect place to return their hurt, pain, addictions, worries, fears, bad habits, sin, and exchange if for God's peace, love, salvation. We may think they don't care but our attitudes will speak volumes louder than our words.
I felt sooo convicted. I know when someone walks into my store carrying a Nine West bag or box I already know they have a return and start to build up my attitude because they are hurting my numbers for the day. I had the sweetest lady come in today who has Parkinson's Disease. She couldn't stop her head from shaking. She bought a pair of shoes, worn them but they hurt her feet...my intial reaction "OH WELL". Good thing my store manager is more forgiving. She already approved for this lady to exchange her worn shoes. After helping her for about 20 minutes God started giving me a spiritual whooping. This woman was extremely sweet and wasn't trying to be dishonest. She was having her second back surgery shortly and needed comfortable shoes to wear.
I told my store manger before I left that I have a new vow....No more attitudes with returns. I'm adopting this in every area of my life. When I run across someone who may not have anything that will benefit me, instead of building up a wall, I'm going to extend my arms and love and serve them however they may need it. I definitely got a good glimpse of how my customers may feel when I have an attitude about their returns..... :( not pretty. Sigh...maybe one day I'll get this whole thing together :)
Today I had to make a return....ugh it was tough to return too. I had gotten 2 pairs of really cute pants from Lane Bryant that fit me PERFECTLY! However, a sure sign of maturity is choosing my family's well being over pants that make my assests look lovely. So I took them back today. I get to the register and there is a lady in front of me ordering something online. The blessed lady working the register looks at me with my bag and ask if I have a exchange. I tell her I have a return. She ask if I want to look around for anything else and I tell her no thank you. So she goes back to helping the lady in front of me. She then comes from behind the cash wrap, looks at me again and ask if I have an exchange...Now I'm confused. I could have sworn I just told her less than 4 seconds ago that I had a return. I tell her again, no ma'am I have a return. She then proceeds to yell at her co-worker (who just so happens to be at the front of the store) "COME DO THIS RETURN"....gee thanks for calling me out. So this woman comes up and doesn't say hello, how are you, i hate your guts for screwing up our numbers with your return. She ask if I have a receipt proceeds with the return with an attitude. Here I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this lady is giving me an attitude because it's not benefiting her. I leave the store feeling like I NEVER want to shop here again because of how I was treated.
How many times do we treat those who aren't so nicely polished according to our Christian standards? They come into our churches looking all kinds of things (trashy, skanky, dirty, poor, etc) and instead of assisting them we treat them with disdain. Who knows the reason why the unsaved come to church but should that be any of our concern? Our job is to love them, make them feel welcomed into the kingdom of God and roll out the red carpet because they are loved by our heavenly father. If God says they are loved..then whom am I to agrue with that. Why shun them? Why look at them rather than talk to them? Why expect the hospitality team to great them? Why leave their eternity in the hands of someone else when God placed them on your heart? They are in the perfect place to return their hurt, pain, addictions, worries, fears, bad habits, sin, and exchange if for God's peace, love, salvation. We may think they don't care but our attitudes will speak volumes louder than our words.
I felt sooo convicted. I know when someone walks into my store carrying a Nine West bag or box I already know they have a return and start to build up my attitude because they are hurting my numbers for the day. I had the sweetest lady come in today who has Parkinson's Disease. She couldn't stop her head from shaking. She bought a pair of shoes, worn them but they hurt her feet...my intial reaction "OH WELL". Good thing my store manager is more forgiving. She already approved for this lady to exchange her worn shoes. After helping her for about 20 minutes God started giving me a spiritual whooping. This woman was extremely sweet and wasn't trying to be dishonest. She was having her second back surgery shortly and needed comfortable shoes to wear.
I told my store manger before I left that I have a new vow....No more attitudes with returns. I'm adopting this in every area of my life. When I run across someone who may not have anything that will benefit me, instead of building up a wall, I'm going to extend my arms and love and serve them however they may need it. I definitely got a good glimpse of how my customers may feel when I have an attitude about their returns..... :( not pretty. Sigh...maybe one day I'll get this whole thing together :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Product of Grace
I don't do well with pre-judgements on myself. If I feel someone putting me on a pedestal I will quickly jump off and destroy it. If I feel someone putting me into a stereotype I will do something to make them think again. If I feel someone placing unrealistic expectations on me I will do the complete opposite of what they expect to prove a point. What's my point? I am not who you think I am. I am a man.
Kidding. Seriously though. I am not perfect. I don't do the right thing all the time. I have the weirdest sense of humor and can be very mean at times. I have a huge lack of patience. I can be lazy.....a lot. I am not organized. I am always late, for everything! I say the wrong thing all the time and make up words that make absolutely no sense. I don't have this squeaky clean and perfect past. What I am today is a product of grace.
My truest friends know me best. For that, I am so thankful. I can be very guarded and won't let people get so close me. The friends that God has placed in my life have seen me in every ugly, hurtful, and painful place I have experienced, and love me none the less.
God has been dealing a lot with me about friendships and relationships. God is transitioning my family and with that he's adjusting my relationships. A friendship I thought that was completely over has been brought back to life and better than ever. A friendship that came right on time. The prayers of this friend has helped keep me sane, challenged me to push deeper with God, and protect my family. The random moments with this friend has given me a safe place to let my short hair down and be me 100% uncensored. It's finally a friendship where iron is sharping iron. A friendship I am so thankful for.
My relationship with my amazing husband is absolutely beautiful. Ohhhh man if you could have seen what it was like for the first 6 years of it! I look at him everyday and thank God for what He has done for our marriage. We both work so hard to put each other before ourselves, to have a selfless love. When I am away from Tony all I think about is him and wanting him to just hold me. This amazing God-fearing man has such an awesome heart and testimony.
My life is no where near perfect. I have a God that makes me look so much better than I really am. He loves and cares so much for me, why should I waste my life on anything less then His best? I had to cut out unnecessary drama and stress. Have you ever realized how difficult it is to hear God's voice when you're stressing out over life? I've put my foot down and said no to stress. No to the silly games people want to play. No to stressing over things I can't change. Last week was just emotional overload. I had to say no to letting certain things bother me. The past 2 nights I have had such an amazing and peaceful evening with Gabby and Tony. It's funny how sometimes we let outside life inside of our home and destroy our peace. You better believe Saturday and Sunday were dedicated to praying peace back in my home and pleading the blood of Jesus over my family.
Sure I'd love my red cape and boots with matching super powers, but God's grace surpases all that any day.
"And I ask you how many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound? And you answer my child I love you, and as long as your seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"-Silar's Bald
Kidding. Seriously though. I am not perfect. I don't do the right thing all the time. I have the weirdest sense of humor and can be very mean at times. I have a huge lack of patience. I can be lazy.....a lot. I am not organized. I am always late, for everything! I say the wrong thing all the time and make up words that make absolutely no sense. I don't have this squeaky clean and perfect past. What I am today is a product of grace.
My truest friends know me best. For that, I am so thankful. I can be very guarded and won't let people get so close me. The friends that God has placed in my life have seen me in every ugly, hurtful, and painful place I have experienced, and love me none the less.
God has been dealing a lot with me about friendships and relationships. God is transitioning my family and with that he's adjusting my relationships. A friendship I thought that was completely over has been brought back to life and better than ever. A friendship that came right on time. The prayers of this friend has helped keep me sane, challenged me to push deeper with God, and protect my family. The random moments with this friend has given me a safe place to let my short hair down and be me 100% uncensored. It's finally a friendship where iron is sharping iron. A friendship I am so thankful for.
My relationship with my amazing husband is absolutely beautiful. Ohhhh man if you could have seen what it was like for the first 6 years of it! I look at him everyday and thank God for what He has done for our marriage. We both work so hard to put each other before ourselves, to have a selfless love. When I am away from Tony all I think about is him and wanting him to just hold me. This amazing God-fearing man has such an awesome heart and testimony.
My life is no where near perfect. I have a God that makes me look so much better than I really am. He loves and cares so much for me, why should I waste my life on anything less then His best? I had to cut out unnecessary drama and stress. Have you ever realized how difficult it is to hear God's voice when you're stressing out over life? I've put my foot down and said no to stress. No to the silly games people want to play. No to stressing over things I can't change. Last week was just emotional overload. I had to say no to letting certain things bother me. The past 2 nights I have had such an amazing and peaceful evening with Gabby and Tony. It's funny how sometimes we let outside life inside of our home and destroy our peace. You better believe Saturday and Sunday were dedicated to praying peace back in my home and pleading the blood of Jesus over my family.
Sure I'd love my red cape and boots with matching super powers, but God's grace surpases all that any day.
"And I ask you how many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound? And you answer my child I love you, and as long as your seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"-Silar's Bald
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Running after you
I wish I could be superwoman sometimes. You know, super powers and all. Since this is reality I'm left with a million things to be tended to and only one me. It's all so overwhelming. I wish I were organized enough to have my life together. Days like today I wish life were normal. M-F 8-5 boring job. Maybe then sanity would reside longer than 15 minutes. This week has just been reality over load for me. Looking at the home page of yahoo makes me want to bust out in tears and long for the return of Christ.
It's funny because lots of women look at me being young with a 4 years old and 4 years of marriage under my belt and wish they had this. I look at them and want to laugh. All of this is great but comes with a cost. Somethings will get ignored. The days I work (which feels like everyday) by time I get off all I want to do is rest. Gabby will not stay in her bed at night, waking up every 2-3 hours. I think she's going through seperation anxiety because I don't get a lot of time with her. This lack of sleep filters over into my work day. I'm tired all day. I get home and have to love on Gabby, love on Tony, while the laundry, dishes, and other house chores long for my attention as well. What's more important? House chores or family? I always choose family. Tony and I don't have a day off together so we attempt to squeeze in maybe an hour of alone time before attempting to sleep. Since my brain doesn't know when to shut off I'm left laying in bed for the next 3 hours hoping the travel channel will eventually put me to sleep. By time I start to doze here comes Gabby and the cycle starts again. I don't have 2 days off in a row. My days off are divided. As of today I will work 8 days straight before getting another day off. Best part is it's not overtime.
Overwhelmed at the moment is an understantment. How do I keep my peace? Barely and by the grace of God. I have my "Pure Abandoment" playlist playing reminding me of God's soverignty and goodness. Funny how no matter what life brings it always leaves me running back to God. When times are good I'm running to crawl in my heavenly father's lap to celebrate. When life is unbearable, I am running to his open arms to let his embrace ease away all the pain. When life becomes so overwhelming, I am running to his presence for strength.
So many people look at me and think I have it all together and I don't. What I do have is a God that walks with me every step of the way helping me, strengthing me, and cleansing me.
It's funny because lots of women look at me being young with a 4 years old and 4 years of marriage under my belt and wish they had this. I look at them and want to laugh. All of this is great but comes with a cost. Somethings will get ignored. The days I work (which feels like everyday) by time I get off all I want to do is rest. Gabby will not stay in her bed at night, waking up every 2-3 hours. I think she's going through seperation anxiety because I don't get a lot of time with her. This lack of sleep filters over into my work day. I'm tired all day. I get home and have to love on Gabby, love on Tony, while the laundry, dishes, and other house chores long for my attention as well. What's more important? House chores or family? I always choose family. Tony and I don't have a day off together so we attempt to squeeze in maybe an hour of alone time before attempting to sleep. Since my brain doesn't know when to shut off I'm left laying in bed for the next 3 hours hoping the travel channel will eventually put me to sleep. By time I start to doze here comes Gabby and the cycle starts again. I don't have 2 days off in a row. My days off are divided. As of today I will work 8 days straight before getting another day off. Best part is it's not overtime.
Overwhelmed at the moment is an understantment. How do I keep my peace? Barely and by the grace of God. I have my "Pure Abandoment" playlist playing reminding me of God's soverignty and goodness. Funny how no matter what life brings it always leaves me running back to God. When times are good I'm running to crawl in my heavenly father's lap to celebrate. When life is unbearable, I am running to his open arms to let his embrace ease away all the pain. When life becomes so overwhelming, I am running to his presence for strength.
So many people look at me and think I have it all together and I don't. What I do have is a God that walks with me every step of the way helping me, strengthing me, and cleansing me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fake it till you make it
Goodness my mind won't stop wheeling. The good thing about blogging is I can pour out my thoughts uncensored and not worry about offending someone's opinion. Thank you blogger for giving me room to let loose :)
As I get older I keep hearing this concept of "making it". When I "make it", determind to "make it", chasing after my dreams so I can "make it"......What exactly are people trying to "make". More money? More friends? Connections? Recognition? What!? In no way am I knocking anyone for wanting to "make it"; however I can't help but wonder WHY? First response would be to take care of my family...my response: You are doing a wonderful job of that now. If we take away the chivalarous answers I think we have this pure honest answer: So I will be remembered as something/someone great. Let's face it, we all want to go back to our high school reunions to rub in everyone else's face how important/valuable we've become. We want to show everyone that doubted us that we can "make it" and then show those who have already "made it" how to give back to where they came from. When laying it out like this it sounds like we're more concerned about what other people think of us and see us as.
As of late my mind can't get off of this: I want to be used by God, remain nameless so He can become great....not me. Tony and I are making less money than when we first got married. And by less I mean less than half of what we made when we first got married. To be honest, this is the happiest we have been. Finances have been a pain in the butt, yet we've been able to make the best out of life and give Gabrielle everything she NEEDS (although we'd love to spoil her and give her everything she WANTS). At the end of the day we're so blessed.
We've been without cable for over a month now. And when I say without cable this includes local channels. Our local channels are a blue screen. I absolutely loved and still enjoy the quietness it brings. We spend so much more time as a family now watching movies, reading books, playing xbox together, playing with Gabby, getting out of the house, etc. I didn't realize how much cable divided my home. Typical evening in my home with cable: Tony in the living room watching ESPN, me in the bedroom watching Food Network, Gabrielle running around the house bored demanding for one of us to play with her. How sad is that? How did we get like that? Now, our evenings consist of us spending quality time together over a movie from netflix, or extended bed time with Gabby with lots of books, or laying on the bed and talking about things we've never talked about. Now I am pretty sure those who are striving to "make it" wouldn't put "Not having cable for a month" as one of their criteria for "making it". Matter of fact I think they'd panic without such a luxury, connection to meaningless entertainment. Now of course I love cable tv. I catch up on Biggest Loser on nbc.com and thank you Hulu for having Atlanta Housewives on there, but how important are these shows to my life? It's amazing how much of a priority I would place on these shows. I thought I'd die not being able to watch my weekly reality tv shows.....I was wrong because I am still living and breathing.
Back to this idea of "making it". I admit that I was guilty of this thinking before. I want to be known. I want to make more money (I still would like that!). I want I want I want. I forgot to even consider what God wants. How did I forget that His ways are higher (Isaiah 55:9)? He has an amazing plan for my future (Jeremiah 29:11)? Seeking God and his righteousness first will Add to my life (Matthew 6:33)? How did I loose sight of this? I mean really...do I honestly believe that I can do better for my life than what God can? If I work harder, stress more, pull ourselves in every direction, and chase after dreams to "make it" that will make us happy? Happier? Successful?
My thinking is starting to shift on things above, not to sound all cliche and all. But I really am starting to see life as not something to build myself up but make God known. When I die I leave everything behind. EVERYTHING. But what I do take with me are souls that have come to the knowing knowledge of Christ. I will meet those people once again in heaven and to see them saved from a cursed eternity is starting to weigh heavier on me. Now, I'm not bugging out. Promise. You won't see me downtown talking about eternal damnation. But you will see me serving and loving more. Not so I can gain anything in return, but so they can have the joy that I have. They can find their purpose in life. They can taste and see how good God is (Psalm 34:8).
God is so good. I think all of this weighs so heavy on me because I feel God so strong in my family. I feel Him leading us....And I hate to say this because it sounds so cliche, but I hear Him calling us as a family. Even Gabrielle. Gabby preached to Tony the other day when we has sick. She told him "Daddy you have to get better because God doesn't want you sick. You need to pray and ask God to make you better and He will make you better". My 4 year old....it brings tears to my eyes to see God working through her at 4 years old. Not a night goes by that we don't say prayers. She will not go to bed unless we say prayers. She wants me to read the bible to her every night and sing "God songs" (what she calls worship music) to her. If she knows the song she'll sing it with me. What I love about all of this, I don't force any of this on her. My prayer every night is that her heart always pursue God.
Tony has completely changed. My goodness! I don't know if he realizes this but he has become ministry minded. Meaning, he no longer cares about "making it", rather he's more concerned about helping others "make it" to God. He was looking for another job and before even having the interview decided to turn the position away (that paid a significant amount more) because he didn't want to miss church on Wednesday nights. He serves in our middle school youth group. Ministry-minded.
I pose this question to you....what are you chasing after? what are you living for? Life is so much more than just trying to "make it". Yes, take care of your family, excel and use the wisdom and knowledge God has given you, but don't waste your life chasing after these things. After all...seeking God and his righteousness will Add these things to you :)
As I get older I keep hearing this concept of "making it". When I "make it", determind to "make it", chasing after my dreams so I can "make it"......What exactly are people trying to "make". More money? More friends? Connections? Recognition? What!? In no way am I knocking anyone for wanting to "make it"; however I can't help but wonder WHY? First response would be to take care of my family...my response: You are doing a wonderful job of that now. If we take away the chivalarous answers I think we have this pure honest answer: So I will be remembered as something/someone great. Let's face it, we all want to go back to our high school reunions to rub in everyone else's face how important/valuable we've become. We want to show everyone that doubted us that we can "make it" and then show those who have already "made it" how to give back to where they came from. When laying it out like this it sounds like we're more concerned about what other people think of us and see us as.
As of late my mind can't get off of this: I want to be used by God, remain nameless so He can become great....not me. Tony and I are making less money than when we first got married. And by less I mean less than half of what we made when we first got married. To be honest, this is the happiest we have been. Finances have been a pain in the butt, yet we've been able to make the best out of life and give Gabrielle everything she NEEDS (although we'd love to spoil her and give her everything she WANTS). At the end of the day we're so blessed.
We've been without cable for over a month now. And when I say without cable this includes local channels. Our local channels are a blue screen. I absolutely loved and still enjoy the quietness it brings. We spend so much more time as a family now watching movies, reading books, playing xbox together, playing with Gabby, getting out of the house, etc. I didn't realize how much cable divided my home. Typical evening in my home with cable: Tony in the living room watching ESPN, me in the bedroom watching Food Network, Gabrielle running around the house bored demanding for one of us to play with her. How sad is that? How did we get like that? Now, our evenings consist of us spending quality time together over a movie from netflix, or extended bed time with Gabby with lots of books, or laying on the bed and talking about things we've never talked about. Now I am pretty sure those who are striving to "make it" wouldn't put "Not having cable for a month" as one of their criteria for "making it". Matter of fact I think they'd panic without such a luxury, connection to meaningless entertainment. Now of course I love cable tv. I catch up on Biggest Loser on nbc.com and thank you Hulu for having Atlanta Housewives on there, but how important are these shows to my life? It's amazing how much of a priority I would place on these shows. I thought I'd die not being able to watch my weekly reality tv shows.....I was wrong because I am still living and breathing.
Back to this idea of "making it". I admit that I was guilty of this thinking before. I want to be known. I want to make more money (I still would like that!). I want I want I want. I forgot to even consider what God wants. How did I forget that His ways are higher (Isaiah 55:9)? He has an amazing plan for my future (Jeremiah 29:11)? Seeking God and his righteousness first will Add to my life (Matthew 6:33)? How did I loose sight of this? I mean really...do I honestly believe that I can do better for my life than what God can? If I work harder, stress more, pull ourselves in every direction, and chase after dreams to "make it" that will make us happy? Happier? Successful?
My thinking is starting to shift on things above, not to sound all cliche and all. But I really am starting to see life as not something to build myself up but make God known. When I die I leave everything behind. EVERYTHING. But what I do take with me are souls that have come to the knowing knowledge of Christ. I will meet those people once again in heaven and to see them saved from a cursed eternity is starting to weigh heavier on me. Now, I'm not bugging out. Promise. You won't see me downtown talking about eternal damnation. But you will see me serving and loving more. Not so I can gain anything in return, but so they can have the joy that I have. They can find their purpose in life. They can taste and see how good God is (Psalm 34:8).
God is so good. I think all of this weighs so heavy on me because I feel God so strong in my family. I feel Him leading us....And I hate to say this because it sounds so cliche, but I hear Him calling us as a family. Even Gabrielle. Gabby preached to Tony the other day when we has sick. She told him "Daddy you have to get better because God doesn't want you sick. You need to pray and ask God to make you better and He will make you better". My 4 year old....it brings tears to my eyes to see God working through her at 4 years old. Not a night goes by that we don't say prayers. She will not go to bed unless we say prayers. She wants me to read the bible to her every night and sing "God songs" (what she calls worship music) to her. If she knows the song she'll sing it with me. What I love about all of this, I don't force any of this on her. My prayer every night is that her heart always pursue God.
Tony has completely changed. My goodness! I don't know if he realizes this but he has become ministry minded. Meaning, he no longer cares about "making it", rather he's more concerned about helping others "make it" to God. He was looking for another job and before even having the interview decided to turn the position away (that paid a significant amount more) because he didn't want to miss church on Wednesday nights. He serves in our middle school youth group. Ministry-minded.
I pose this question to you....what are you chasing after? what are you living for? Life is so much more than just trying to "make it". Yes, take care of your family, excel and use the wisdom and knowledge God has given you, but don't waste your life chasing after these things. After all...seeking God and his righteousness will Add these things to you :)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Shoo Flu!
The plague has hit my home. That was a little dramatic. The Flu has struck my home. Tony took Miss Gabs to the drs with a fever. We were thinking it was an ear infection but they informed us it was the flu. We caught it early (yes!) so thankfully she didn't have to go through all the yucky flu symptoms. She has been such a big girl though!! I kept her in doors for the last 2 days and she has been contempt with watching movies and laying in the bed. I will let her get up and run around the house and play. That will last all of 10 minutes and she's back on the couch watching movies again.
Tony came home from work today with a fever and chills. I gave him some nyquil cold and flu, powerade with a mixture of Emergen-C, and some gummy bears and sent him to bed. I refuse to catch this mess. I have to work and too much going on to get sick. I absolutely refuse.
Gabby is doing a lot better and actually took care of Tony tonight while I worked. That's my girl :)
So I have a few blogs brewing in my brain that I think will be pretty interesting. Topics are Reconciliation, Maturity, Humble Beginnings, Prayer does work, Bad parenting, and The song of my heart. :) stay tuned!
Tony came home from work today with a fever and chills. I gave him some nyquil cold and flu, powerade with a mixture of Emergen-C, and some gummy bears and sent him to bed. I refuse to catch this mess. I have to work and too much going on to get sick. I absolutely refuse.
Gabby is doing a lot better and actually took care of Tony tonight while I worked. That's my girl :)
So I have a few blogs brewing in my brain that I think will be pretty interesting. Topics are Reconciliation, Maturity, Humble Beginnings, Prayer does work, Bad parenting, and The song of my heart. :) stay tuned!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wide Awake
Work will be here soon. In a few hours I'll want to throw my alarm clock against the wall and curse its existence. It's not its fault that I don't get to bed at a decent hour. It is only doing what it was created to do....wake me up. If I don't like it, oh well....it was designed and created to keep me posted of the time and alert me when it's time to get moving.....If I don't hear it and oversleep....not it's fault.....Even if I do hear it and ignore it's first warning, it'll give me a second, third, fourth, etc warning every 9 mins (why 9? I don't know...weird thing).
Does that remind you of something? Or should I say someone?
The holy spirit, still soft voice, conscience, ephiphany, whatever you look at it as, is like that alarm clock. When the time is right bombs will go off and if you're not listening, ignoring it, or trying to throw it against the wall you could miss a very important life moment.
Don't you just hate that annoying buzzing sound? EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom got me a new alarm clock for Christmas because Gabby took my old one. It had a cd player to it and she liked to fall asleep to worship music. How can I deny my child worship music? So the alarm clock became hers. In it's place I used my phone alarm....EPIC FAIL!! I can't tell you how many times that stupid thing wouldn't go off and leave me sleeping so peacefully only to wake up 10 mins before I needed to be at work. So my mom got me a new alarm clock to take it's place. This alarm clock is great. I never have to set the time. I just plug it in and it starts to shuffle through numbers (reminds me of Biggest Loser weigh ins) until it stops at the current time. I have no clue how it knows what time it is but it's just that awesome! Thank God it does because it's the only clock we have in the house.
Destiny has been calling out to Tony and I for the past few months. It's been sending us warning EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!! alerting us that it's almost time. Time for us to walk out why we are on this earth, why we've endured so much over the years, why death couldn't claim my life in 2008, why my marriage HAD to survive. Everything we have been through has led us up to this point in life and Destiny is shouting that it's time to wake up and get ready....we can't miss this Life Moment. Too many lives are at stake. Too many souls need to be awakened. Too many hearts need to be mended.
Now I can't get mad when it goes off and come up with excuses as too why im not ready (I got caught up stalking my Facebook friends, great movie came one, or blogging :) ).God will set off that alarm when the time is right. Our task is to make sure we're prepared, equipped with the knowledge of Truth, living with a renewed mind, a pure heart, and practicing the fruits of the Spirit so we can meet that Life Moment, embrace it, and live it when that alarm goes off.
Besides, what good are you if you stay asleep?
Time to wake up.
In saying that I better get some sleep. Totally didn't mean to preach a mini-sermon. Good night.
Does that remind you of something? Or should I say someone?
The holy spirit, still soft voice, conscience, ephiphany, whatever you look at it as, is like that alarm clock. When the time is right bombs will go off and if you're not listening, ignoring it, or trying to throw it against the wall you could miss a very important life moment.
Don't you just hate that annoying buzzing sound? EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom got me a new alarm clock for Christmas because Gabby took my old one. It had a cd player to it and she liked to fall asleep to worship music. How can I deny my child worship music? So the alarm clock became hers. In it's place I used my phone alarm....EPIC FAIL!! I can't tell you how many times that stupid thing wouldn't go off and leave me sleeping so peacefully only to wake up 10 mins before I needed to be at work. So my mom got me a new alarm clock to take it's place. This alarm clock is great. I never have to set the time. I just plug it in and it starts to shuffle through numbers (reminds me of Biggest Loser weigh ins) until it stops at the current time. I have no clue how it knows what time it is but it's just that awesome! Thank God it does because it's the only clock we have in the house.
Destiny has been calling out to Tony and I for the past few months. It's been sending us warning EH EH EH EH EH EH!!!!! alerting us that it's almost time. Time for us to walk out why we are on this earth, why we've endured so much over the years, why death couldn't claim my life in 2008, why my marriage HAD to survive. Everything we have been through has led us up to this point in life and Destiny is shouting that it's time to wake up and get ready....we can't miss this Life Moment. Too many lives are at stake. Too many souls need to be awakened. Too many hearts need to be mended.
Now I can't get mad when it goes off and come up with excuses as too why im not ready (I got caught up stalking my Facebook friends, great movie came one, or blogging :) ).God will set off that alarm when the time is right. Our task is to make sure we're prepared, equipped with the knowledge of Truth, living with a renewed mind, a pure heart, and practicing the fruits of the Spirit so we can meet that Life Moment, embrace it, and live it when that alarm goes off.
Besides, what good are you if you stay asleep?
Time to wake up.
In saying that I better get some sleep. Totally didn't mean to preach a mini-sermon. Good night.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Rain rain go away
I love to blog. How ever did I get away from blogging? So what shall we talk about tonight? Where life is right now? Gabrielle getting so smart and old? Marriage? The weather? Relationships? I have no clue lets just see where this ends up.
The weather is absolutely depressing today. I could have been awarded the "Worst Mother in America" award today. Lethargic is an understatment and I forgot to use patience. Creativity is as clear as the sky and my eyes refuse to stay open, even when driving. I could have laid in the bed and done so all day long.
My mind has been in overdrive these past few weeks. The reality of being an adult has hit pretty hard. Life just feels so.....crucial? serious? right now. I feel as if this is no longer a game. This is real life. Real decisions. Life changing decisions. It would be nice if I could just step back and let someone else make the decisions but that's not how it works. I'm sure we'll make the right decisions and look back and be glad we did. I wish I could fast forward to that part.
That's about all I have for right now. Maybe my intellect will return with the sun :)
The weather is absolutely depressing today. I could have been awarded the "Worst Mother in America" award today. Lethargic is an understatment and I forgot to use patience. Creativity is as clear as the sky and my eyes refuse to stay open, even when driving. I could have laid in the bed and done so all day long.
My mind has been in overdrive these past few weeks. The reality of being an adult has hit pretty hard. Life just feels so.....crucial? serious? right now. I feel as if this is no longer a game. This is real life. Real decisions. Life changing decisions. It would be nice if I could just step back and let someone else make the decisions but that's not how it works. I'm sure we'll make the right decisions and look back and be glad we did. I wish I could fast forward to that part.
That's about all I have for right now. Maybe my intellect will return with the sun :)
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